I can’t believe it’s been over 2 months since I last posted. There’s a part of me that wants this site to be polished – which makes the task of posting seem like more time and resources than i have.
I started my first course, Psychology as a Natural Science, at the beginning of April. It’s been a whirlwind. I visited my parents at the end of March and when i got back home early April I was deep into the well of grief. My dad and I had attended one of my mom’s phone appointments with her oncologist while I was there, where he advised her that the chemo didn’t appear to be controlling her cancer. Some tumors shrunk while others grew. He said the remaining options weren’t good ones, and his demeaner was bleak and emotionless. I’m glad I was with my mom so she had an extra person to talk it through with over the following days. It didn’t fully hit me until I left Ottawa and was enroute back home. I cried the entire 1.5 hour drive home from the airport that evening, and couldn’t bring myself to think of anything else for nearly a week.
I started to panic, as I knew I had to get going on my course. I wanted to go through the entire course over the span of April, because as of May 1st, I would be getting a full load of 3 courses, with just over 3 months to complete them all. I started wondering how medication might help me. I was already taking 150mg of Wellbutrin, which inhibits the reuptake of norepinephrine (activation/alertness/focus) and dopamine (motivation/attention/memory), thereby increasing the amount circulating in the system – my doctor gave me the green light to double the dose if needed, but previous increases would lead to inner agitation and restlessness, so I wasn’t sure that was the right move. We had also discussed a newer SSRI, Vortioxetine, a drug that inhibits the reuptake of serotonin (mood), that has shown some promise in the neurodivergent community, and is also thought to improve executive dysfunction, along with improving mood. I thought maybe that would be more appropriate because of the heavy weight of anticipatory grief of losing my mom.
I started on a 5mg dose, and the nausea was wild. I tried taking it with food, taking it before bed, it didn’t matter. It would trigger intense nausea for about an hour, followed by low grade nausea basically the rest of the day. When i saw my Dr. mid April, she suggested trying the Wellbutrin increase and to come off the Vortioxetine if the nausea persisted, since consistent nausea is definitely not going to be helping with mood or better functioning. Within a couple days, I increased to 300mg Wellbutrin and stopped taking Vortioxetine. She was right that it was the better move.
While all that had been going on, I had been trying to create a school routine and really having a hard time getting through the material quickly enough. My brain likes to take time with new information, so I can think about what I’m reading, make associations, and find a way to integrate it into my understanding of things (which I learned in this course is actually a productive way to retain information). However, it was taking me so long to get through the chapters. I tried employing AI to help me condense the material so I could get through it faster, but soon learned that this prevented sufficient absorption of the material.
One Saturday morning I had a meltdown of sorts – I had chose this path of completely uprooting my career life, quitting a secure job at a forward thinking corporation, to completely start over in a new career direction, going to school full time on a government student loan, and accumulating debt over the next 4.5+ years, because we (my circle of care and myself) all believed that it would lead to a more sustainable work-life and therefore prevent further exacerbation of all the health symptoms that have been accumulating over the past year. The idea was that it was more aligned with what mattered to me; a lifelong special interest turned into a career. Apparently a common and successful strategy for Autistic folk is to find work in one of their special interests. Sadly, I was feeling just as frustrated, panicked and held back as I did with my unfulfilling accounting courses.
As I was sitting on our deck with my coffee that morning, ruminating over my choice to take this path and how I thought it would be easier/more accessible, I remembered part of my previous reasoning – this is the kind of material I would voluntarily read on my own time because it interests me so much. It was like an epiphany of sorts. My mind got quiet, I got the impulse to go get my iPad, and started to read one of the chapters I didn’t properly absorb because of the AI condensing/shortcut attempt. Throughout the entire weekend I carried my iPad around, reading it like it was a personal endeavor (vs school obligation), setting it down to do this or that, and then returning to it for more. By the end of the weekend, I was shocked by how much progress I had made. I realized that reading on my iPad (and being able to change positions/locations as needed), was far more productive than reading at my desk on my computer, where there are endless distractions, along with a feeling of being trapped/chained to the same place.
There is something I deeply resent about being tied to my desk. It’s preferable for taking action – like quizzes, assignments, group discussions, emails, paying bills, attending meetings etc., but reading there feels like an endless grind where I cant properly get into the material and am constantly distracted. This small adjustment was such a game changer for me. I don’t know why it wasn’t more obvious to me sooner, but I’m really impressed by how such a small adjustment changed everything. By the end of today I will have finished all the material (I have 10 pages left of reading, then my last quiz), and then several days to study before I write my exam in 6 days. I’m quite happy with how the last 2 weeks have gone since this adjustment.
AND – despite all that, I have been overwhelmed this week. My stamina has slowed. I think it’s related to all the gardening tasks, and how they interrupt me/my focus. The weather has been much colder than seasonal averages, which derailed the hardening off process for a bunch of things. We also started some seeds too early this year (an adjustment from being too late last year), and my office is becoming a jungle. Different plants are at different stages of hardening off, so I have to keep track of it all as I put them out for various lengths of time each day, while checking on them for signs of wind or sun stress, or needing more water since many are root bound (but there is no room to upgrade them to bigger pots). I also bought some trees from Little Tree Farm in NS over the winter, that arrived on Monday afternoon, needing to be planted ASAP.
It’s ironic, because my ultimate dream has always been to live in a home surrounded by nature, with plenty of space to garden and interact with the environment, along with a loving partner, and a career where I could help others overcome the same kind of challenges I’ve struggled with my entire life. In many ways, I’m right where I want to be. But it’s hard, and I’m letting myself down in other areas. For example, I can’t seem to stay consistent with meditation, even though I know that it would help with my stress levels and ability to focus. I’m also not walking/stretching/strengthening as much as I’d like, and my glute/hip pain is creeping back. I’m also having a hard time refraining from harmful substance use. I crave smoking weed, I eat things I shouldn’t, I’m back to drinking on the weekends, and they all connect to each other and I get lost in this vortex of escaping, while accumulating health consequences (digestive upset, mood instability, increased fatigue, allergy flares), and shame ensues.
My psychologist would say ‘Of course you’re having a hard time. You’re in a huge transition which is inherently difficult for people with autism. Be patient with yourself’, and so I’m trying to be. This week I was going through old voice memos and found one from almost 5 years ago, talking about how important it was for me to have an outlet to write about my experiences. I was kind of surprised to be reminded of how long I’ve been thinking about this blog space, but like with meditation, it seems so easy to put it off until there’s more time, which maybe there never will be. So I have to make the time, and maybe let my posts be imperfect. I assume my writing will improve the more I do it, and so I can let my posts be a work in progress, and just enjoy the pleasure of having the outlet, without the fuss of making it ‘professional quality’.
So here I am, starting again. Hopefully I’ll be back with more soon enough.
Happy Spring!